What it's like to leave the Mormon church
yes, it's hard, and it could be the best thing ever if you do this....
Trust me when I tell you leaving the Mormon church hurts.
Whether you, the reader is a…
“Member” (this is what Mormons call fellow Mormons; short for “member of the church” and anyone else “non-member”)
Post-Mormon (I prefer this over ex-Mormon, and we’ll get into why later in the article).
An interested reader that finds Mormonism alluring whether because of Mitt Romney, Secret Lives of Mormon Wives, or your favorite diet coke drinking influencer. *Trust me there’s a lot to be fascinated about!
I’m sure you can relate to what it feels like to risk your safety, feel alienated, to be judged, or have your life fall apart because you changed course. Not one soul will go through life untouched by this experience whether we do it courageously with free will or a major life transition is thrust upon us. Maybe for you it was divorce, changing careers, joining a cause, or like this one- leaving your religion.
Where religion often teaches that there is “one right path to God” it makes sense why leaving one would be SO PAINFUL!
Why I left the path I truly Loved…
It’s easy for member of the LDS (Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints) AKA Mormons to assume people leave because they were swayed by the devil, they wanted to “sin” (Mormons are as famous for their no coffee and alcohol as they are for their numerous wives), or they have so much guilt and shame they didn’t want to face repentance.
*And to be fair, those may be the reason for some- which I still say the answer for those situations is not judgement, but love.
But for me these accusations were extremely painful because it couldn’t had been farther from the truth, I left the path I truly loved because it was keeping me from growing closer to God.
Disclaimer: I fully acknowledge if you are an active “member” this will trigger the Hell out of you. And I invite you to stay with me, in order to find understanding and connection to others that have experienced this challenge.
How did I get to this place where I was willing to risk my family, my community, my everything to change faiths?
Let’s look back at my beginnings. My father and mother met at BYU (the Mormon college, famous for quarter back Steve Young and beautiful blonde coeds getting married as teenagers) they had 5 children, my father was a bishop (like a priest or rabbi), I served a Mormon mission, and was married in the one of the gorgeous LDS temples, blessed 2 of my children in the church and prayed for them to follow the same path. To say it shortly- the church was my life.
So why would someone do such a thing, Risk all of THIS???
^When I tell people I got married in Vegas, I don’t think they know what I meant :) (fun fact, I think my wedding cost less than $2k)
A little while after my son was born, I started to see the cracks in the belief system I knew so well. One of our best friends Dan Reynolds (lead singer of Imagine Dragons) and his then wife Aja were creating the documentary “Believer” which addressed with high suicide rates of LGBTQ youth in Utah. The conversation of church and state, love and hate, right and wrong was everywhere and I couldn’t look away- I had to start thinking for myself about what I believed.
It wasn’t “just” about gay rights, which could have been enough, but it was the catalyst to start looking at all of what I chose to believe, what I was taught about God’s nature, and the system that I believed “He created.” I didn’t like the conclusions it lead me to.
If I stayed believing in the church I had to accept that…
God created a plan where many of his children would be eternally damned.
God loves some more than others (Kabbalah and reincarnation really cleared this one up for me)
I would have to surrender my intellect and happiness to blindly believe, and somehow that was a good thing.
Around the time it all started to crack, still smiling and pretending all is well.
Ok, ok let’s get on with how it all crashed…
Oh man, it was like it was yesterday.
I had been reading, searching, and studying about the history of the church, reading from members who had left, listening to “Mormon Stories Podcast” by John Dehlin for months before telling anyone my concerns or doubts. I knew if I shared with my believing family they would shame me and I would be their new project to save. I wanted the freedom to figure it out, without other influences.
One night, my then husband asked me why I wasn’t wearing my garments earlier that day (the sacred white underwear you wear all times after you have been through the temple as an adult).
I told him “I didn’t want to.”
He asked me, “The prophet tells to, don’t you believe what the prophet says?”
Without thinking, I replied honestly for the first time, “no.”
The can was open and from there it was a rough 8 years.
The bad
The “bad” always comes first…
I could go on and on about the challenges that come when you leave the church, the ridicule, the calls into the bishop to ask you why you are doing this (that you know will only lead to gaslighting and debate), the gossip, the too many things to count.
But honestly nothing really mattered at the time except keeping my family together. I could have my brother tell me I would be damned, friends gossip about why, and the in-laws try to save my children from me because truly my only concern was keeping my marriage together.
We tried many things, I went to church with them (that made everyone uncomfortable,) I went to workshops and took classes on mixed faith marriages, but it was like pouring water out of a sinking ship with a spoon.
But let me tell you the good!
There’s two ways people often go in these situations-
ex-Mormon: bitter, resentful, reject their upbringing, and at war with family and community in the church.
or
post-Mormon: healed, forgiving, appreciative for the beauty of their upbringing, see’s the love of the efforts to “bring them back”
I truly don’t know if there is much that will make you more loving and accepting than choosing to understand your accusers.
Through trial and error I realized there are so many people that will never understand my choices, people that will be in my life forever. And I would have had to accept that in order to find peace and happiness. Not only accept, but to find a new way to connect.
We weren’t going to connect over shared beliefs any more, now we will have to connect over something else… love.
Can you imagine? The gift of learning to love to those who judge you- the joy and peace that comes to from that!
There is a lot of other good things that came, A LOT! Like authenticity, freedom, expansion, healing, but honestly, they all shadow from the ability to choose love when you have “every right” to fight back.
What does Life Look like Now?
After those challenging 8 years of trying to make our marriage work, we decided to get divorced.
just months before our separation, still rooting for BYU!
Once divorced I was truly free to explore my path which led me to one of the greatest blessings of my life- the spiritual wisdom of Kabbalah and the community of like-minded students from all backgrounds.
Through studying this ancient wisdom (that is grounded in personal transformation and revealing our purpose and potential) I have been able to find so much appreciation for all paths- especially the Mormon path.
My kids are still going to church with their dad every Sunday and I come support them for their baptisms, primary programs, and enjoy them singing to me on Mother’s Day.
We discuss how I am Mormon in my blood and will always support them, and the number one lesson that the church taught me growing up is “Love on Another.” and this we can always relate on.
Now, I share spirituality on instagram that is rooted in authenticity, unity, and love. (Oh, I also have the occasional glass of wine on the sabbath which I now call Shabbat.)
