Mistakes I Made in my Marriage and my #1 Divorce Advice...

Learn from me, a recovering people pleaser.

I thought being the “peacekeeper” would save my marriage. It didn’t.
After ten years of trying to make it work, I learned that silence, self-blame, and isolation don’t create peace — they destroy it. Four years post-divorce, I finally understand what real unity means. Here’s the advice I wish someone had given me.

Why you should consider taking this advice-

I was married for ten years - eight of them spent really trying to make it work. I’ve been divorced for four, and without a doubt, we wouldn’t be able to co-parent today with such flexibility and patience if it weren’t for one thing.

Before I tell you what that one thing is, let me be clear- it’s been rough. There have been times when each of us felt taken advantage of. There’s been yelling in the street, moments of deep pain, and times when it was hard not to blame each other.

I’m lucky to have an ex who’s a good guy, someone who genuinely wants what’s best for everyone- but that still doesn’t spare anyone from the hardships of divorce.

And I want to make this clear: this advice isn’t only for people who have a “reasonable” partner. It’s for anyone and everyone going through a divorce, no matter your situation.

Learn from me- some things I did wrong

(from a disempowered young wife)

#1 Mistake: I never said when I was unhappy.

I never expressed my frustration or admitted where I’d lowered my standards because I wanted to “keep the peace.”

I laugh now- keep the peace- what a trick I played on both of us. I created the illusion of peace, only to one day explode and let years of resentment come bursting out.

I told myself I didn’t want to be a nag. But suppressing wasn’t the only other option. There was a middle path- the strong, proactive one- where I could have clearly expressed what I wanted and needed (especially when it might upset him).

The truth is, when other people are uncomfortable, it’s okay. It gives them the opportunity to grow and level up. Just like us- if someone spoon-fed us pudding every time we got insecure or angry, we’d end up spoiled and stagnant. It may not feel good when lack shows up, but the worst thing I ever did for my husband was never let him feel it.

#2 Mistake: I said I was the problem.

Every time something went wrong, I played the martyr. I thought I was being evolved—taking radical responsibility, avoiding victimhood.

If you could see me rolling my eyes now. How cute. Be the Savior- see where that gets you.

I’ll tell you where it got me: low self-esteem, gaslit, depressed, and ironically, a victim who believed, “I must be broken.”

If I could go back, I’d speak up. I wouldn’t tolerate certain behaviors. I would’ve brought up divorce long before if I wasn’t being respected. And you know what? I imagine I would have been respected. But when you hand over your power so easily, you can’t really blame the other person for using it.

#3 Mistake: I tried to deal with it on my own.

I was living such a lie. I didn’t tell anyone how unhappy I was because I was terrified it would all blow up. (Spoiler: it did.)

Maybe that fear wasn’t wrong- if I’d told my sister or friends, I would’ve been too embarrassed to stay. My husband would’ve been judged.

But what I really wish for anyone in that situation is this: find a good therapist. Someone who won’t judge, won’t pressure you to make decisions, but will simply be with you- a safe space to share honestly.

It may always hurt a little seeing the beauty of our nuclear family, but inside I was suffering so much.

Would it have ended differently?

People often ask me, “Do you think it would’ve ended differently if you’d spoken up?”

To be honest- yes, I do.

I think it would’ve ended much sooner. Not because anyone was bad, but because the issues we had weren’t ones that could be resolved. We might’ve communicated better, loved ourselves more, respected each other more. But we were simply not a match. We see the world differently, have different interests, different humor. The only thing holding us together was the kids—and we both deserve more than that.

So what’s the advice?

Do everything you can to stay united.

If both people strive for this, you’ll probably become famous for being the greatest co-parents of all time- and I’ll be first in line to read your book.

In reality, though, you may be the only one with this mission- and that’s enough.

What does unity look like?

It’s an art. Sometimes it means finding a near win-win. Sometimes it’s giving in; other times it’s standing firm. Maybe you speak up; maybe you bow out. It might mean offering a gift to express gratitude- or simply sharing what you need.

The thing about staying unified is- it’s a consciousness. You could go months without speaking, but if in your heart you know your intention is for the greater good, that you’re still rooting for them- then you are choosing unity.

The results won’t be instant. It will ebb and flow. It may take years. But from experience, I can tell you: you will be much better off striving for unity than becoming enemies.

And yes- even if you don’t have kids.

I’m not saying you need to stay friends or close if there’s no reason to. But I will double down that choosing unity in your heart and mind will transform your future relationships and your own wellbeing.

Hatred, resentment, and bitterness are such low-vibration states- they’ll repel quality partners and rob you of peace.

Choosing unity means believing that you came into each other’s lives for a reason- that it was necessary for both of you to become who you are meant to be. It might sound “nice” or spiritual, but it’s this consciousness that will transform you from bitter to glowing.

My sincere wishes for you-

If you’re getting divorced, I’m sorry for your pain and happy for your growth. Divorce was both the hardest and most rewarding experience of my life. I’m pro-marriage and support staying together if both people can grow in a healthy, loving way- but when it’s no longer possible, I promise you’ll discover more about yourself and what’s possible on the other side.

If you’re married, I truly wish that you cherish your relationship with the respect I didn’t have. Be strong enough to know that your thoughts and feelings matter. Trust that being confident and honest will only strengthen the relationship- if it’s the right one.